All the whores shall go to heaven,
specially the intellectual ones
Compiled by Sohail Moughal
07 June 07


Woody Allen wrote a short story called the 'Whore of Mensa" and so the term "Intellectual whore" came into being. This also gave birth to the "Ladder theory". There are other similar theories also like the "Theory of fluctuating attractions", or the "Caveman theory". The idea behind all these theories is to find the reasons men and women attract, accept or reject each other and sometimes start reacting or acting in an uncertain or a certain way. Gone are the days when you could see a hot specimen, club them in the head and drag them back to your abode by their legs.

The Intellectual whores, the topic at hand, are almost always men. I say this, maybe, because, I am a man or a whore myself. Women are called the intellectual pimps, they keep intellectual whores around them for many reasons, like self aggrandizement, intellectual simulation, emotional support, gossip, attention, material gains or inexpensive entertainment. Doesn't it seem like a looser's connotation. But isn't it true that all of us men have been intellectual whores at one time or another. When we want to get intimate, need more than just a friendly evening out, sit in the jacuzzi side by side rather than sit face to face, do a bottle of red with arms around the waist, and want to lay our heads on someone's shoulders, but are not allowed, we have no other choice left, but to play the whore game. We stick around. Some of us might tend to call it quits, but most of us stick around, helplessly waiting for a signal, or a slip. Deep down inside a single animal instinct keeps flourishing, keep surfacing, and keeps getting ignored, denied, and even crushed. The pimp has to be smart and tactful to keep an intellectual whore, she has to keep the whore enthralled by a false implied promise of future intimate activity.

This has to be kept in mind that Intellectual pimps are not always bad people. They are just committing a victim less crime. They need friends too. They have a right to choose. Whores should learn that not every pimp is interested in the way a whore wants. Pimps are bad people only if they are not sure of what they are doing. They have learnt that even if they were just moderately attractive, the general horniness of males is going to bug them all their lives. They know from experience that males will not even try to understand the true person behind their bodies. They get tired of being approached just because of the obsession. Even the hottest woman entertains fantasies of a man who really wants her because of her inner attributes, not just the vital statistics. So every intellectual pimp wants to know that she is good for something besides physical involvement, and thus an intellectual whore is born.

Additionally, despite what the women's lib tell you, girls do actually feel incredibly attracted to dominant, confident men. The theory of fluctuating attractions says, that when you approach a woman she is impressed by your confidence, later when you start to fall for her, and start acting like her puppy, it turns her off immensely. Your attraction builds while hers falls. Later somewhere in the game, you even forget how to dance the dance. We all face different levels of stress in our daily lives. She wants to talk at lengths to process her stress, she does not really want to find a solution. You want to ponder, be left alone, working on a solution to de-stress yourself. When you don't find a solution, you need a distraction. A bigger stress requires bigger distraction. The irony is that we are what we are. We think we should do what shows what we actually are. Sadly, it does not always work for the best.

Intellectual whore does things that a boyfriend wont do, provides a distraction, goes places a boyfriend wont go. He will be the emotional crutch. He will be entertaining, smart and funny. He discusses chick flick movies with enthusiasm, asks you to accompany him to every one of them, and even buys Dave Eggers as a gift. He listens to you for hours, gives advice on boyfriends, and likes you for you. You could have gone out with as many outlaw bikers as you wanted, but you didn't, even if you did, the whore doesn't care, does not judge. A whore understands your needs. A whore gives you the feeling of being intelligent and cultured. Why else would a sweet guy stick around with no intention of a reward.

Dallas Lynn read the "Whore of Mensa" and coined the "Ladder theory". The intellectual whore never gets to learn the ladder theory from a pimps perspective. In contemporary folk psychology, the ladder theory explains the ways in which men and women evaluate each other on first impressions. The decision is made quickly and to prove to be self-righteous is almost always final. A man creates a single ladder whereas a woman has two of them. A man meets Miss XYZ and likes her. Later somewhere he meets Miss ABC and likes her too. XYZ and ABC are put on different rungs of the same ladder. There are others, Miss PQR and Miss STU and Miss LMN on the same ladder too, strategically placed on the same single ladder. Some are on the top and some are at the bottom and some are in between. A man's ladder shows that he wants just one thing and he is nothing more than a pig.

A woman needs two things, an aggressive sexual partner and an intellectually stimulating entertaining partner. If both qualities are not found in a single man, which is unfortunately very rare, she will seek out two separate relationships. She will make two ladders - a real ladder and a friends ladder. She keeps putting men on different ladders according to her self-devised rating criteria. Men are not told which ladder they are on unless they try to jump from one ladder to another. While trying to jump from one ladder to another men often fall into an abyss. An abyss is below the bottom, holding the two ladders. The whore always wanting to jump from the friends ladder to the real ladder, keeps hanging on to the friends ladder and knows that there is no way to come out of the abyss, aka the dustbin. He knows that a fall in the abyss creates awkwardness and an end of the story. You just try to move up the ladder, which ever you belong to, hoping that at the top, your ladder might join the other one.

So deep down inside every intellectual whore has a hidden agenda. If a pimp feels, otherwise, try if you like a simple exercise. Go to a place with your whore and spend the night together. Many pimps and whores have shared the same bed many a times and still stayed pimps and whores. Frankly speaking, a whore and a pimp can stay friends only if the whore is gay, or if the whore does not find the pimp attractive or if the whore has someone way up above the pimp on the ladder. If the three scenarios don't exist and you want to find the answer, be honest with yourself, and go to the washroom before going to bed, and come out naked and ask for what most whores have had on the hidden agenda for ages. If the whore says, he does not want to risk the beautiful friendship, I am proven wrong. If he complies, what's the big deal, you loose a whore that's true, but doesn't it prove that we were all wrong...

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Note: What I write comprises of visual, mental and literary observations supplemented by neutral analysis and of course, some personal experiences. My writings are not directed to offend any person and if they do, I apologize in advance. My suggestion would be to read as if you have never known the writer, if you ever have.